My Response to #BlackSuicide & A Call To Action #video #religion #suicideprevention

The recent death of actor 

Lee Thompson Young has brought a lot of press attention to awareness. This time our friend at you’re not finished has a thoughtful response to an article saying prayer isn’t enough.  It’s essential, but not enough. We need to read, we need to listen and we need to refer people to professionals. That’s all part of being prayerful in action. 

 

It’s kind of like the story of a man caught in flood and stuck on the roof of his home.

He prays for God to help. An OEM truck with huge tires comes. ‘Get in; we’ll bring you to safety.’ ‘NO says the man, God will save me’.

A boat rows by and says ‘come in’; the man says ‘no, God will save me.’ A helicopter comes and says ‘grab the line!’ the man says ‘no, God will save me.’ Then the water washes him away. 

As he stands at the pearly gates, he asks God. ‘I trusted you, I asked you to save me and you didn’t!?’ God replies, ‘ I sent you an Emergency vehicle, a boat and a helicopter, you said no to each one!’ Makes you think huh?

  My Response to #BlackSuicide & A Call To Action #video #religion #suicideprevention.

Empty Arms Mothers Day

So its mothers day again; cold coffee, crumbs in bed from burnt toast, runny eggs and construction paper cards. Really, its’ not much different from other days in our house. And no, I do not get breakfast in bed or cards everyday, life is still life regardless of the calendar. The house is loud, messy and they’re all still going about what they do every day. Lately that’s bickering and complaining.

Every year on Mothers Day I have this strong awareness and concern for all my friends who  have suffered infertility, or miscarriage. I’ve lost several, so I know the sadness and heavy heart of losing a baby.

Then there are my couple friends who were asked to suffer on a completely different level. There are the ones who had still born babies, or ill babies who lived only a couple hours, or months. Those hearts are broken in a way I could never fathom.

Finally, my friends Ive made over the last couple years. Those are my friends whose babies they were able to watch grow up and then lost them with so much of their future ahead of them. I had a small taste when we sat next to our son in the hospital unresponsive for hours. I could never comprehend our lives if we hadn’t had a miracle that night. I don’t think I could have lived through what some of you had to endure with the loss of your children.

All those mothers whose day today is bitter sweet, you are the ones I pray for each Mothers Day.

How many of us can remember the very moment we saw each of our babies? All of us. We can remember the weight of them as they were put in our arms, the softness of their little heads, how surprising it was to look at this little face for the first time but already know them so well.

For the mommies whose babies are still small, cherish and savor all those moments. Inevitably life changes and shifts and throws at you circumstances that organically morph the life we thought we had into something else.

As much as we love our kids and brag about their accomplishments, some kids are just harder to raise than others. Some are intensely sensitive and twist what you do or say. Some are socially awkward and have unending trouble with peers, some struggle with anxiety and fear, some have troubles in school, some are complainers, some have illness, some have ADD, or Autism. We never know what challenge that sweet soft baby will bring. And every challenge they have adds weight to our hearts. As mothers we carry it with them.

Carrying their burden is a beautiful part of being a woman and motherhood. Its how we’re designed. We are intimately connected with our babies, even when they are no longer babies.

Its so funny to think of my own progression of motherhood from child to child. How I panicked  that my oldest might start preschool without knowing his ABC’s, that he always looked clean and perfect. Now I’m lucky if the little’s get to nursery school on-time and I’ve been known to use their own shirts to wiper their noses (hey- you do what you have to, I’ve used my shirt too!).

The best part of that progression is the realization that they are their own person, with unique talents and interests. Letting them discover what they love and grow in skill is a great reward of motherhood. The down side to that progression is that at some point they choose what we would not have chosen for them. We live through the pain of the aftermath of those decisions with them.

The older you get the more you see life is never what we plan, but you live through the good and the bad and you feel their experiences as if it was yourself. I think of it when I see old ladies who are hunched over and spend their days in churches praying. I’m beginning to understand the wrinkles in their faces. Life can be complicated and hard to navigate for entire families and the burden ages us.

Some times we’ lose’ our kids, hopefully its a temporary separation and they learn and grow from the phase. For those of you whose children have flown far away in an effort to ‘grow up’, try to remember the precious times you had with them and hold onto the hope that they’ll return.

But some of you, you are left without your precious babies and your arms are empty… and as always every  year I think of you.

I hope and pray you find comfort in old photos today, or in memories of better days. I hope that you find the faith to persevere and relish how precious your other children are if you have them. I hope you find the faith to wait and see your babies again someday when life’s journey ends. Sad, I know on what should be a happy celebration of the guardians of life, but I wanted to you all to know, all of you who hide your broken hearts, that you’re not alone today.

http://www.melissadayton.com

Our teens, drugs, death and helping them cope when they lose a friend

This is taken from a post in February. I thought Id share again and add some good resources at the bottom. Three losses in one week is almost too much when our community has lost so many kids.

This is the time of year accidents increase. Alcohol and drug use are up.Kids react to grief often by trying to ‘numb’. Drug use and addiction is an awful cross to bear, not just for the addicted but for their family. Even drug abuse that is not technically ‘an addiction’ can cause great sorrow for families.

What do we do as a community? Zero tolerance for substance use. I wish I could have you all for coffee- No more allowing drinking, no more permissiveness with our kids! Enough! Alcohol opens the gate to other risk taking behaviors. Troubled kids have to begin somewhere.  I know parents of kids that ended up in trouble, many of those parents said NO with great vigilance. BUT, they did not have the support of their community and their children were allowed to use at other peoples home. No one had their back.

There is nothing worse than knowing you do not allow your kids to drink but everyone you know (and like) does. Its not safer to allow them to drink at home. There is an 85% chance kids will use outside the home if you allow them to drink under your roof. Alcohol is a gateway to other uses and risk taking. Parents need to be on the same team. Its time to start saying no again. Their frontal lobes aren’t fully developed until 26, without alcohol they need our guidance!

Deep breath, have hope and be strong for you kids. Keep communication as open as possible! Allow healthy opportunities to share, be careful not to allow them to ‘drink away’  their sadness. We all need to  have our eyes and ears pealed. We need to watch, check Facebook, twitter and listen. Watch for changes in behaviors, comments that seem off . Better safe than sorry.

Friends are important to teens, so when they lose one, the pain is deep. 

How do we walk the fine line of our own grief and theirs? Has loss after loss created such fear in us that we cant speak to our children about the loss of their friends?

I hope not.

I wanted to write something today because I know many of our young friends are sad today. I know they are your kids, your neighbors and your students.

My kids remember, we talk about the boys we lost. Some talk more than others. 

Breathe…Pull the shade up and let the air and light heal. 

Chip has a favorite story about Adam and his famous skate board wipe out last year. He skinned his whole forearm. Like any good mother of 8 who wont take a kid to the Doctor unless its a ruptured appendix, I cleaned it, put cream on and covered it up. 3 days later my lack of a medical degree was to Adams misfortune and he ended up with a festering wound. Green, nasty and gross.

Covering it up and pretending it wasn’t there- big mistake. It festered long enough that the infection needed to be treated from the interior. He needed a Doctor.

Emotional wounds are the same, if we ignore them, cover them up and pretend they aren’t there…they fester. The kids need help that is bigger than we can give. They need a Doctor, don’t ever be afraid to find one.

I worry fear leaves us silent. Silence leaves our kids with an inability to grieve the loss of their friends.

 As their parents we give them a gift to talk about their losses at home in a safe place with the ones who love them most. 

Sometimes we don’t need to talk but simply listen, listening can give them great comfort.

Its OK to admit you don’t have the answers, admit your scared and admit your sad.

But don’t forget to remind them that life is a beautiful struggle and not always easy. Hope is always there even if its small and hard to see right away.

It’s important to be honest and open… To let the air and light in… To leave the grief untouched would allow it to fester.

Here are some great resources. This first one is what comes recommended as one of the areas top rehab facilities. Please let us know if we can help you further

http://www.caron.org/

https://www.facebook.com/100ReasonsToLive?fref=ts

http://www.sptsusa.org/

http://twloha.com/

http://www.mentalhealthmonmouth.org/page.php?p=8

Don’t forget your local churches and pastors. They are an excellent resource when kids are questioning God and life. Pastors are trained and can help you find resources you  need!

It’s complex

I was recently asked by a friend my thoughts on what I’ve learned through our work at YCNBR about a young person who takes their life in a paragraph. I’m not sure I can write only a paragraph on such a complex issue.

Briefly; my husband, oldest daughter and I founded You Can NOT Be Replaced after our local high school experienced the loss of 8 students, 1 to overdose and 7 to suicide. Our section of Monmouth County during the same time frame lost 12 to suicide; we have the largest cluster in the country. YCNBR focuses on the irreplaceable person and finding real contentment in life using your gifts and talents for others. We are deliberately trying to fill a hole and ‘catch’ kids several years before they may find themselves in crisis.

‘Why’ is always what people want to know: we don’t know. We don’t know why our beautiful utopian area of the country has this unfortunate claim to fame. Suicide is complex; it has many facets and nuances that factor in, many that only the person who is suffering knows. That complexity I think is the most challenging aspect of trying to figure out the ‘why’. It would be very easy to say, ‘their home life must have failed them’, ‘they lacked faith’, ‘why didn’t they have hope?’ and walk away and say ‘not my kid’. But we can’t walk away, there is a ‘hole’ in our culture and we need to help find a way to ‘fill it’.

Suicide isn’t black and white. If it was, it would be easy to figure out and find a solution. The young people we lost came from homes with parents who loved them; in most of the cases the families did whatever they could to help their children. In some cases the family didn’t know their child was suffering or that their pain was as deep as it was. Depression manifests itself in many ways; sometimes isolation, sadness, sometimes aggression, nastiness, but often in silence. It’s not how the movies want us to think it is. A depressed person can become a master at hiding their pain. Depression can be a very grey area layered with complexity.

There are two different classifications of depression, chemical depression or situational depression. A creative brain reveals a window into the chemical depression. Look at some of the great authors, poets, musicians and artist of history, many though creative geniuses suffered horribly from dark thoughts.

Someone who wasn’t born with a predisposition of a chemical imbalance but life has thrown them a curve ball suffers from situational depression. Events occur and stressful circumstances in life spike a chemical called cortisol in the brain which will lower the ‘happiness chemicals’ in the brain. Both forms of depression have a whole other complex layer when someone is so burdened by sadness that they are suicidal.

There are four chemicals in the brain that effect happiness; dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins. In some cases those chemicals can be boosted by exercise, clean eating, and healthy relationships, some cases need medication to balance them out.  Many young people who have a deficiency chemically turn towards substance use. Extra burden is added when a depressed individual gets involved with substance use.

Substances can temporarily make a depressed brain feel ‘normal’. A young person who is struggling with depression can also find themselves suffering from an addiction in the search for relief. The problem with self-medicating is that the highs and lows are not controlled and often when the crash occurs it is a deep dark time for the user. Depression is often made worse by substance abuse. Layer that with an underdeveloped frontal lobe which controls decision making and impulse control and you have a dangerous combination.

We know that for those who are chemically imbalanced, anti-depression meds can be real life savers-literally. For many who suffer, they didn’t realize how deep the depression they were in was until they were on meds and looked back. But because depressed people can be masters at hiding the heavy burden of depression, it’s often hard to intervene and get them help.

We explain the importance of not hiding emotions by telling kids a story about a skateboard accident our middle son had a couple years back. He skinned his forearm badly. We cleaned it, put antibacterial on it and covered it up. Each day we repeated the process and by the fourth day we had a mess. By covering up the wound we made it worse. It was festering, green, oozing puss and nasty. What the wound needed was air and light. It needed to air out and breathe. There is great relief in sharing our burdens with others, but it’s very hard to do.

For those who have someone their concerned about, know your limits. People who are seriously depressed need a professional.

When I was 16, I was a camp counselor at our pool club. I had my life guard certificate and often helped with swimming lessons. One day our 3 year olds were having lessons. They were lined up on the top step of the pool with the child who was ‘up next’ standing on the bottom step. For a moment I looked up to say hello to someone, when I looked down I saw a little face with sheer panic in her eyes.

She had slipped off the bottom step and had her tip toes on the bottom of the pool. Still, she wasn’t tall enough to keep her mouth and nose above the water. She could have very easily put her foot back on the step and stood up, but her panic and young age didn’t make that simple move possible. I immediately broke the cardinal rule of lifeguarding and jumped in the water to pull her out.

Depression can be the same. The person, like my little friend, might only have to reach their foot over to find the step and lift their face above water. But often they are immersed in the weight of the depression and can’t see the step. To rescue them I think the basic lifeguard rule applies.

The Rule:

Reach, Throw, Row but don’t go

Reach:

If you have a friend who is isolating themselves and not interested in life like they used to be. Ask the friend if they’re ok. Tell them you are there for them, to help them, and you will go with them for help. If they don’t give an answer that seems right, tell an adult.

Your friend might need a lifeline thrown to them, but they person concerned needs to have their feet firmly planted on the ground to throw out that life line.

Throw:

In life saving, you stand firmly on the ground and throw a floating device to the swimmer in trouble, and then pull the person towards you.

You must know what you are qualified to do and what your limits are. Young people often think they can fix their friends problems. They need to know that adults are not the enemy and must be involved to find the right help.  I would call a ‘lifeline’ an offer of a tangible option for help, bringing a friend to a parent, priest, minister or teacher, helping them be brave enough to call for counseling, giving them other options for relief other than substance abuse.

Row:

If a person is stuck out in deep water, you ‘row’ to them. The guard goes protected in a boat so that they arent aren’t pulled under the water by a panicked swimmer.

If you have a depressed or suicidal friend you must get help. You need to protect yourself and the friend you are trying to help by knowing your limits. There are adults that are professionals that must be called when your concerns are serious, they have been trained and they can help.

Don’t Go:

If you try to go into deep water to save a swimmer alone without a floatation device, in their sheer panic they could grab you , pull you down as well and then you’re both in trouble. If its a rip current,both people can be lost.

Have you ever seen a save with the line of guards from the shore line to the swimmer caught in a rip current? They line up connected by a long rope lifeline with the strongest guard as the ‘anchor’ and then together they pull them in.

When a friend is in trouble, ‘find’ the head lifeguard, find an adult you can confide in, your parents, their parents, get a professional and get help.

Always be kind to everyone. If depression effects millions of people every  year, you could make a significant impact in someone’s life without knowing it. You never know what a small act of kindness can do. It could be the encouragement a person needs to open up. Don’t be afraid to approach someone, it’s better to reach out and have a friend mad at you for a week or so than to miss something. But it’s very important to know that adults need to be informed of your concern.

 

Society for the Prevention of Teen suicide: Began by two local fathers who lost their children to suicide in our cluster. This is an excellent resource of the best information out there. They have a philosophy of prevention that is proactive and tangible. They have the country’s leading expert on suicide clusters Maureen Underwood as an advisor. http://www.sptsusa.org/

Other links and resources are available at our site: http://www.youcannotbereplaced.com