depression

I was recently asked by a friend my thoughts on what I’ve learned through our work at YCNBR about a young person who takes their life in a paragraph. I’m not sure I can write only a paragraph on such a complex issue.

Briefly; my husband, oldest daughter and I founded You Can NOT Be Replaced after our local high school experienced the loss of 8 students, 1 to overdose and 7 to suicide. Our section of Monmouth County during the same time frame lost 12 to suicide; we have the largest cluster in the country. YCNBR focuses on the irreplaceable person and finding real contentment in life using your gifts and talents for others. We are deliberately trying to fill a hole and ‘catch’ kids several years before they may find themselves in crisis.

‘Why’ is always what people want to know: we don’t know. We don’t know why our beautiful utopian area of the country has this unfortunate claim to fame. Suicide is complex; it has many facets and nuances that factor in, many that only the person who is suffering knows. That complexity I think is the most challenging aspect of trying to figure out the ‘why’. It would be very easy to say, ‘their home life must have failed them’, ‘they lacked faith’, ‘why didn’t they have hope?’ and walk away and say ‘not my kid’. But we can’t walk away, there is a ‘hole’ in our culture and we need to help find a way to ‘fill it’.

Suicide isn’t black and white. If it was, it would be easy to figure out and find a solution. The young people we lost came from homes with parents who loved them; in most of the cases the families did whatever they could to help their children. In some cases the family didn’t know their child was suffering or that their pain was as deep as it was. Depression manifests itself in many ways; sometimes isolation, sadness, sometimes aggression, nastiness, but often in silence. It’s not how the movies want us to think it is. A depressed person can become a master at hiding their pain. Depression can be a very grey area layered with complexity.

There are two different classifications of depression, chemical depression or situational depression. A creative brain reveals a window into the chemical depression. Look at some of the great authors, poets, musicians and artist of history, many though creative geniuses suffered horribly from dark thoughts.

Someone who wasn’t born with a predisposition of a chemical imbalance but life has thrown them a curve ball suffers from situational depression. Events occur and stressful circumstances in life spike a chemical called cortisol in the brain which will lower the ‘happiness chemicals’ in the brain. Both forms of depression have a whole other complex layer when someone is so burdened by sadness that they are suicidal.

There are four chemicals in the brain that effect happiness; dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins. In some cases those chemicals can be boosted by exercise, clean eating, and healthy relationships, some cases need medication to balance them out. Many young people who have a deficiency chemically turn towards substance use. Extra burden is added when a depressed individual gets involved with substance use.

Substances can temporarily make a depressed brain feel ‘normal’. A young person who is struggling with depression can also find themselves suffering from an addiction in the search for relief. The problem with self-medicating is that the highs and lows are not controlled and often when the crash occurs it is a deep dark time for the user. Depression is often made worse by substance abuse. Layer that with an underdeveloped frontal lobe which controls decision making and impulse control and you have a dangerous combination.

We know that for those who are chemically imbalanced, anti-depression meds can be real life savers-literally. For many who suffer, they didn’t realize how deep the depression they were in was until they were on meds and looked back. But because depressed people can be masters at hiding the heavy burden of depression, it’s often hard to intervene and get them help.

We explain the importance of not hiding emotions by telling kids a story about a skateboard accident our middle son had a couple years back. He skinned his forearm badly. We cleaned it, put antibacterial on it and covered it up. Each day we repeated the process and by the fourth day we had a mess. By covering up the wound we made it worse. It was festering, green, oozing puss and nasty. What the wound needed was air and light. It needed to air out and breathe. There is great relief in sharing our burdens with others, but it’s very hard to do.

For those who have someone their concerned about, know your limits. People who are seriously depressed need a professional.

When I was 16, I was a camp counselor at our pool club. I had my life guard certificate and often helped with swimming lessons. One day our 3 year olds were having lessons. They were lined up on the top step of the pool with the child who was ‘up next’ standing on the bottom step. For a moment I looked up to say hello to someone, when I looked down I saw a little face with sheer panic in her eyes.

She had slipped off the bottom step and had her tip toes on the bottom of the pool. Still, she wasn’t tall enough to keep her mouth and nose above the water. She could have very easily put her foot back on the step and stood up, but her panic and young age didn’t make that simple move possible. I immediately broke the cardinal rule of lifeguarding and jumped in the water to pull her out.

Depression can be the same. The person, like my little friend, might only have to reach their foot over to find the step and lift their face above water. But often they are immersed in the weight of the depression and can’t see the step. To rescue them I think the basic lifeguard rule applies.

The Rule:

Reach, Throw, Row but don’t go

Reach:

If you have a friend who is isolating themselves and not interested in life like they used to be. Ask the friend if they’re ok. Tell them you are there for them, to help them, and you will go with them for help. If they don’t give an answer that seems right, tell an adult.

Your friend might need a lifeline thrown to them, but they person concerned needs to have their feet firmly planted on the ground to throw out that life line.

Throw:

In life saving, you stand firmly on the ground and throw a floating device to the swimmer in trouble, and then pull the person towards you.

You must know what you are qualified to do and what your limits are. Young people often think they can fix their friends problems. They need to know that adults are not the enemy and must be involved to find the right help. I would call a ‘lifeline’ an offer of a tangible option for help, bringing a friend to a parent, priest, minister or teacher, helping them be brave enough to call for counseling, giving them other options for relief other than substance abuse.

Row:

If a person is stuck out in deep water, you ‘row’ to them. The guard goes protected in a boat so that they arent aren’t pulled under the water by a panicked swimmer.

If you have a depressed or suicidal friend you must get help. You need to protect yourself and the friend you are trying to help by knowing your limits. There are adults that are professionals that must be called when your concerns are serious, they have been trained and they can help.

Don’t Go:

If you try to go into deep water to save a swimmer alone without a floatation device, in their sheer panic they could grab you , pull you down as well and then you’re both in trouble. If its a rip current,both people can be lost.

Have you ever seen a save with the line of guards from the shore line to the swimmer caught in a rip current? They line up connected by a long rope lifeline with the strongest guard as the ‘anchor’ and then together they pull them in.

When a friend is in trouble, ‘find’ the head lifeguard, find an adult you can confide in, your parents, their parents, get a professional and get help.

Always be kind to everyone. If depression effects millions of people every year, you could make a significant impact in someone’s life without knowing it. You never know what a small act of kindness can do. It could be the encouragement a person needs to open up. Don’t be afraid to approach someone, it’s better to reach out and have a friend mad at you for a week or so than to miss something. But it’s very important to know that adults need to be informed of your concern.

Society for the Prevention of Teen suicide: Began by two local fathers who lost their children to suicide in our cluster. This is an excellent resource of the best information out there. They have a philosophy of prevention that is proactive and tangible. They have the country’s leading expert on suicide clusters Maureen Underwood as an advisor. http://www.sptsusa.org/

Other links and resources are available at our site: http://www.youcannotbereplaced.com

You Can NOT Be Replaced®

Stronger People = Stronger families =Stronger communities

‘We would not let him fall’

A son, a thriving college junior, plunges into depression. A mother dedicates a summer to connection, with her son, with herself.

By Ilene Raymond Rush, For The Inquirer

Teen suicide doesn’t discriminate: Our friend Wendy

Teen suicide doesn’t discriminate

Written by our friend Wendy

Excellent video on depression

It’s complex